I know a lot of Ministers visit this site. So let me ask a simple question. What advice would you give to someone about to take their first funeral?
Saturday, 10 May 2008
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11 comments:
I am going to make the assumption that
this would be the funeral of someone you know well, which is why you have been asked to take it. Unfortunately that does make it harder, especially for your first. So recognise that and prepare with that in mind.
1. Spend plenty of time with the family to get their stories, their memories (do not use only yoiur own stories no matter how well you knew the person). Make sure you write down all names and check (parents, siblings, spouse, kids and grandchildren). If you mention 1 name then you must mention them all and not miss any out. Don't rely on memory.
2. Encourage the family to take part in any way they wish (eulogy, reading, maybe singing, ...) but ask for a copy of what they are going to say. Then if they are unable to do it you can step in for them. Plus you can make sure you do not cover the same ground when you speak.
3. Be sure to check cultural differences, these can be huge eg
- open or closed casket
- direction casket facing
- what the congregation are expecting
With where I am based my experience is 99.9% white British, that affects what I write below so make sure you revise it according to other cultures.
4. Make sure you have sorted out music before and after (make sure they give the funeral director any CD's). Also hymns and know whether hymn books are needed. If they are having an order of service printed then depending on the expected congregation consider asking to have the Lords Prayer printed.
5. If you are doing the committal at a crematorium then go and visit, meet the staff, check you know who is pressing the button (if you then where it is, how quick the curtain or whatever moves).
6. Remember the Funeral Director is responsible for everything. If there is a problem at any point then step back and leave them to sort it out.
7. Personally I would use the Methodist Worship Book even if you would not do so at any other type of service. It is a very helpful guide and support - this is not an easy time to do extempore prayer.
8. If you would normally preach without notes do not do so this time.
9. If this is going to be at or finish at a crematorium then your timing is stricter than for any other type of service. Makes sure you have worked it through carefully so it does not feel rushed. Consider a longer gap between the church service and the crem is several family members want to take part.
10. Think through the movement in the service, where will the coffin go, when will you be able to look at it (plan to make sure you don't if you think it might cause you to break down). Are you going to touch the coffin during the committal (I always do if layout permits)?
11. Try to allow yourself plenty of time before and after the service for quiet.
12. The best way to make sure you are at the crem on time (if going on from church) is to travel with the funeral director. If not then try to get ahead of the cortège to give time to prepare.
13. The family and other mourners need you to hold it together for this service. This is not your personal goodbye, that has to be put aside so that you can minister to these people at this time. That is important as you cannot do this a second time if you break down. Find place such as the hymns where you can recover a bit if you need it. Be prepared at tricky moments to not look at the congregation.
14. Make sure that the service does include:
- worship
- comfort (eg prayers of confession and statement of forgiveness can be very helpful, although not in the MWB service)
- good news (personally I focus on the closer family and am careful to not try to make this a happy thanksgiving service unless that is really what they want - others on the edges are more likely to want that than the family).
Hope this helps.
Dave
Thanks Dave. A very useful checklist, with one or two things I hadn't thought of. A little prayer at about three on Monday would be appreciated.
My advice would be shorter, but amounts to the same thing.
1. Make sure you are true to the gospel
2. Make sure you are true to the deceased and their 'nearest & dearest'
3. Make sure your shoes are polished.
(That last point isn't in any way flippant.)
My additions, for what they are worth, from someone also new to taking funerals:
a) If the entire funeral is to be at the crematorium, find out how much time you have for the ‘slot’. Be aware that most crematoriums are extremely strict about the timing. I know a Reader who got a right scolding and the threat of a fine for going over time by one minute.
b) If you can bear to do it, I usually lay my hand on the coffin and look at it as I pray the prayer of commendation. Bearing in mind Dave’s wise words about not breaking down, don’t attempt this unless you are certain you can hold yourself together.
c) Assuming that you are probably only doing the committal at the crematorium, in my opinion, the committal service in MWB really doesn’t give the mourners time to mentally ‘arrive’ at the crematorium. I usually tell the family that I will be reading a Psalm first and that the purpose of the Psalm is so that they can have some ‘space’ to settle down and 'arrive'.
David,
In addition to the advice from other friends above, I have fuond over the years that it is useful to develop a series of questions (rather like categories) I can ask the bereaved family in order to draw out material for the eulogy. These include: birthplace, parents, siblings and schooling; marriage, children, grandchildren (all as appropriate); working life; hobbies and interests; personality and character. I normally end my rehearsal of the deceased's life with that last category, emphasising that it is the thing common to all mourners, whatever their connection with the deceased was. From there, I go into a brief statement of the Good News of hope in Christ, often talking about how God is not remote from our suffering, because of the Cross.
One thought in case you did not know the deceased: I think it is good to acknowledge that publicly. I often do so at the beginning of the eulogy. People appreciate me saying something like this: 'Unlike you, I never had the privilege of knowing N. It may seem strange that I am the person who now has the privilege of speaking about his/her life. Anything I say cannot cover all the memories and feelings you bring, but I hope it is representative.'
Finally, I also use the MWB, but I gently reword it in places. E.g., 'May your Holy Spirit lift us above our sorrow to the peace and light of your constant love' becomes, 'In our sorrow may your Holy Spirit lift us to the peace and light of your constant love.'
Every blessing. I hope it goes well.
Dave,
I like that change.
On someone's advice I generally miss out the "and for his/her faithfulness in the tasks to which you called her/him" on the grounds that we can't know that.
Pam,
I find your (b touching the coffin) a real problem with our crematorium. The layout means you can't really get to the coffin, you can't really see it from the lectern and there is no radio mike. One of the many uninspiring things about Kettering Crematorium.
Your point (c) is excellent, I sometimes have hymn if this is a church family.
Richard, Yeah shorter is better - must try to remember that :-)
Thanks, this advice has been really helpful and even moving. I'll try to bring my thoughts together next week, it may be helpful for others. Things are a bit raw at the moment so I shan't go into detail.
All wise counsel. (Though I'd never heard of the laying-a-hand on-the-coffin thing, it sounds, well, touching - as long as it's well coordinated with pushing the button.) So nothing much to add.
Fundamental rule (vulgar but not facetious): No bullshit (platitudes, sentimentality, stained-glass voice, rhetorical manipulation, etc.). Mourners' detectors are ultra-sensitive.
Preach the Christian hope - Christians don't actually have funerals, we have services of death and resurrection - but don't use the service as an opportunity to evangelise.
Celebrate the life, but don't deny the reality of the pain and loss. Provide space for tears as well as thanksgiving. Don't try to solve the problem of suffering (not least because it can't be done).
Paint a picture of the dead that makes people nod and think, "Yup, that's him/her," and don't say anything that isn't or doesn't ring true. Don't be afraid of the warts: after all, we are saved not by good complexions but by grace alone.
Don't tell jokes, but don't be afraid of humour.
Something is wrong if you're not nervous (which really goes for leading any act of worship), but something is also wrong if you're not confident in the Lord.
Oh, and act like you know what you're doing even when you don't.
Finally, know that you will be in all our prayers.
Sorry, but I feel the need to clarify.
I usually touch the coffin at the commendation, not the committal. If it's a church and crematorium service, I do the commendation in church and it's the last prayer that is said for the deceased before the whole congregation recites the Lord's Prayer.
My reason for doing this is a sort of final 'being with' the person. In the preacher's representative role, I can do that on behalf of family and friends. To me it represents something concrete about 'death where is thy sting and grave where is thy victory?'
Pam,
You are right I made a typo - should be commendation not committal. My comment about the crem layout only applies when the whole service is there.
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